I’m going crazy. My mind is constantly going back-and-forth between so many things. I wish I could concentrate. I need my blood pumping. I need to exercise. I need to be creative. I still feel dead. I’m in the middle of seemingly so many decisions. And I often decide to not decide (which is, of course a decision!). Sometimes I just want to go outside and run around the building several times. That would probably kill me. I’m restless. And I’m scared. Perhaps more scared/nervous/edgy than I am excited. Is that bad? I actually see that as a positive. Maybe I’m schizophrenic? Who’s that…? who’s talking to me…? I guess I see this as a Spiritual battle that I appear to be losing. Which is a bit of a mystery. I’m not “in the Word” as I should be. But I pray, ceasingly. And I feel God’s overwhelming presence in my life. And I feel myself not totally embracing that, for whatever reason, I’m really not sure. I’m not really a control freak. I think I’m lazy. I’m exhausted with trying to figure it all out. Yes, God’s hands are a much better place to be. That’s where I need to be.
