Today was a tough day. A day, a time to put on my big boy underwear and go to work. I am now an adult. I sat at my desk, in constant struggle mentally between what I was doing, what I needed to do and what I WANTED to do… OK, feeling sorry for myself. A time for wondering… was I in the right place after all? And why was I spending so much time working, learning software and in an industry that I could care less about. I have no interest in the software or in the industry. Why is my heart so closely, so strongly connected to other places? And why can’t I see my new job for what it truly is… a gift from God? It’s trial by fire and I don’t know if I winning or even if I want to win. If I told you I was still maintaining a positive attitude, would you believe me? Interestingly enough, I AM holding on to a positive attitude. Next Friday, when I get that first full paycheck, some of this will make sense. And in April, with health insurance covered, it will make even more sense. It is a gift.
Deana showed me an article, the editorial in the Mar_April 2007 issue of Relevant. Cameron talks about selling his dream house. “Letting Go” is the title. He says, “the life we were living no longer fits us.” and then goes on to say, “when God prompts us to change course in life, we have to be willing to let go and trust. He may have a greater purpose at work than we even realize.” What great encouraging words this evening. I hate learning software for the sake of learning it. I have never done that well, or even at all. And, I sat there realizing that I enjoy making “beauty from chaos”. And I don’t feel I’m really doing that right now. Perhaps the chaos in my life IS my life! And perhaps I’m in just the place God wants me.
“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” Prov. 16:9
The course ahead is quite unclear to me right now. I feel so out of my element. But, I have tomorrow. A day to make the most of, regardless of my “feelings”. Help me to be a faithful servant.
