Unfortunately, the greatest thing on my mind the past week+ is the new job. I’ve already written my blog post about my first day in my mind. I’ve already determined what will happen and my thoughts about that first day, to the point of already knowing what to write. That puts my in a bad place.
A place of dread.
The innermost of my being sees this “opportunity” as giving up. Due to will of self, fighting the ever present distractions, including (and certainly, for the most part, understandable) my medical issues of 2016, I have relegated myself to a entry level opportunity putting screens in windows of new homes. As of now, that’s generally what I’m being told my job will be come Monday. Putting screens in windows.
As previously explained, i tend to gravitate towards the things that “find” me. And this certainly qualifies as that. Had I shown my shingle out to the inter webs and looked for a job, “any” job, not sure I would have found something better. better suited for me or my future. And, at least I know a few things about this position that should bode well for me, temporarily and (perhaps do I even show a glimmer of hope?!?) even for the future. So, why make presuppositions well prior to the first day?
Were you really looking forward to that kitchen and 2 bath remodel? You know, the one where you probably weren’t going to get paid very well? Hmm. I was looking forward to creating beauty from the chaos that existed there. Taking before and after photos. And being proud (in the good way) of the accomplished work. So, remind me how well I placed the screen in that window on Monday and take a photo of it and post to facebook! Yeah, there’s pride there…
I’m getting tired of “temporary jobs” on the way to what I really want to do. I endured 2 years driving to Yoder every day only o be demeaned and put down by a boss with no education and poor people skills. That led to…
I can see where this could evolve into that. Not necessarily the bad boss experience, but, the leading to nowhere.
Ok, in spite of my crushed spirit, I have been trying to be more international of my attitude.
Really?
Yes. Most of my ‘feelings” have to do with me. Not to get too overly or overtly religious, but, God has been massaging my soul. The nudge to surrender… Surrender MY will. Surrender MY plans. Surrender MY future. Surrender MY thoughts of how things should go. Surrender MY hurts. Surrender MY grievances.
Surrender the right to MYself.
It goes against every grain in human nature. I was even thinking about how to explain that to someone. Anyone. My children. Another Christian even. Especially to a non-Christian. How does that work? Surrender? Aren’t we supposed to fight for OUR rights? If we give up our rights, what does that really look like. I mean REALLY look like?
I’ve struggled with this content for years. Maybe even decades. The whole notion that I don’t belong to me. You know, Luke 9:23-24 stuff.
Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.
If I truly surrender ME to God, how do I respond in everyday living? If I am truly LIVING for God, (Phil. 1:21 stuff), what does that look like? For my job? My family? My relationship to others? Having that mindset completely changes the level of everything I once held as important. How do I get there?
Leading to nowhere surrender.
