Artists need boundaries. Or so I have been told. Actually, I have witnessed and used this in my dealing with artists. This is especially true of visual artists. If given a blank sheet of paper to create art, many artists have no idea on what to create. If given some direction, nay some boundaries now hat to create, they can then proceed with reckless abandon and create a masterpiece.
Maybe I am an artist.
I have always functioned better when I have a distinct schedule which provides those boundaries. I also function better when I am working with and around people. My experiences with self-employment (or something along those lines) have largely been frustrating and ended up falling well short of expectations. I know this and yet, have wandered back into that arrangement from time-to-time. On paper, it seems to work for me. Especially around home remodeling. Unfortunately, it has not.
So, yesterday, I accepted a full-time position working for a home builder doing “finishing” work. Not exactly sure what that means yet. From what I can tell, it will be menial, non-thinking, non-creative, (non-fun?!) work. But, it provides boundaries. And a steady paycheck.
And true to form for me, I have quite the mixed feelings on this.
Failure
My first feeling is of failure. Once again, I have failed to manage my life in a way that makes self- employment possible. The work is there. I find that there is so much work that is right in my wheelhouse. It’s not the lack of jobs that has kept me from succeeding. In fact, it may be the wealth of jobs that has overwhelmed me. I think that I should have hired a guy or two to help me and just having to account for some other people would have pushed me into those boundaries. But, I failed.
I failed to take advantage of time given to me. I didn’t wake up, or go to bed or whatever. When I was decommissioned, I didn’t take advantage of that. Paperwork piles up and just doesn’t get done. Taxes don’t get filed. Etc. I should have been putting in 10-12 hour days. I got distracted easily. Lost (perhaps never found?) my focus. Didn’t set hourly, daily, weekly, monthly goals. Got frustrated easily. And then just gave up.
I’ve been told failure is easier to deal with than success and I’ve found that to be true, but, failure is still tough.
Relief
I don’t have myself staring at myself now wondering why I’m not getting anything accomplished. There ISN’T a choice between working on my house or “going to work”. We now go to work. Things are defined for me. At least to a large degree. I don’t have to pick who gets my attention this week. No one does. I don’t have to think about if I am going to “make a run” at this remodeling thing for the next 5-10 years.
Opportunities have often “found” me. And these opportunities have generally proven positive things for me. So much that I now generally rely on this mode of decision making, much to the chagrin of some around me. Seeking something out requires me to make a choice and then active pursuit. Things finding me are (obviously) more passive from my end. I suppose I would be in an overall better place if I were to choose and pursue.
Loss
Part of what made being self-employed so appealing WAS the choices I could make. With a wealth of opportunities, I could accept the projects that appealed to me and push off or even refuse to take on those that didn’t appeal to me. I will no longer have that freedom. I also (probably wrongly) looked forward to the time I WASN’T on the job. Picking up kids from school, hanging with my dad, having the freedom to take a week or two off to do audio work. Yes, I realize that looking forward to NOT working isn’t exactly the best way to build a business. But, I will miss the freedom that working for myself provides.
I was also on the cusp to start doing more audio/video work. I have/had even started investing in that direction. As I look back, audio has been a longer “passion” for me than anything else. I could see a path where that could be a career, even at this time in my life. As soon as that became an idea, even something I would consider making a choice about and pursuing, it’s now gone.
Reality
Doing (full time for others) remodeling work was really never something I saw myself doing long term. So, this change of work isn’t all too far fetched for me. The reality is that this is where I was headed all along. Maybe not this job specifically. I was hoping for something more creative, opportunistic, exciting, etc. This may be the start of a long (new) career path for me. We’ll see what happens.
The whole “running a business” thing really isn’t my thing. Certainly not as a sole-proprietor, the only guy working thing. I need to be working with and around others. I’m not sure if this position IS that, but, it’s getting closer. The paperwork of running a business… not my thing. It’s really not that difficult. And I CAN do it. But, reality…
The steady paycheck thing is big too. The reality is that this is the “responsible” thing to do. So, we do it. Perhaps I’m too old to take on the risks. Or, I’ve taken those risks in the past without finding the necessary success.
So, here we are. I do recognize the boundaries are necessary in my life. It’s even possible I will get more remodeling work accomplished and be more successful and dare I say it, efficient, now that I will have a “regular” job. I’ll probably get more accomplished in/on my own home as well.
Maybe I am an artist.
