a cool Autumn Friday morning. Went to the Derek Webb/Sandra McCracken/Waterdeep/Alli Rogers gig last night. Good stuff. Bought all 3 of Alli’s CDs. So, now am listening to some introspective female singer/songwriter stuff. Oh, there he goes again…
I’m frustrated by my lack of making changes. I have these moments where I feel God is calling me to something different, perhaps even better than where I’m at. A call to step outside myself and make a difference in my own life. Then, in reflection last night, perhaps the issue is that I don’t know myself well enough! So, rather than stepping outside myself, I need to get to know myself better. Not sure what that means. Just Byron going into that deep again.
I left the gig last night without hanging out, trying to “be somebody”. This at first made me angry at myself. Here I have this incredible opportunity to “see and be seen” and I fail. I fail to understand what it was about. Sure, some good music. But it was good to hang with Brian. Perhaps it had more to do with that than the music? I need to get back to my prayers of just being myself. I try so hard to be someone other than who I am. I feel this pressure to be this person that I see in my mind’s eye, a person that really isn’t me, but someone who think I (or the outside “industry” or whatever) thinks I should be. It’s becoming clearer and clearer to me that I need to “give up”. Not in the running from conflict thing, but in the releasing myself completely to be used by God, whatever the task. Giving up authority of self.
