I guess this midlife thing is good. It makes one look back, reflect on what they’ve done, why they have done it and overall, what makes one “tick”. Perhaps if I went back to Marion, we’d come to totally different conclusions. However, taking a stab at my own self-counseling, here goes…
My whole life, I’ve been angry at myself. I’ve been angry that at times, when I had the opportunity to do something, make a mark, learn something really well, I failed to make the most of that time. Example… I’ve had opportunities to learn software. Like the original After Effects. Back before it was an Adobe company. Had I taken that obscure, little known video/image editing program totally under my belt, I’d probably be in Hollywood or New York right now making six figures. It’s that way with many things in my life. “Why didn’t I…” Even ProTools. You’d think a guy like me who loves audio/recording and technology would have taken that and become a master. I’ve had access to it for a long time. Yet, it sits quietly on my computer until I need to use it.
And that’s the deal. I’ve known this about myself for a long time, yet failed to make it simple enough for me to really understand. I’m a “cause” guy. I have to have a cause before I personalize something. And that cause is a direct relationship. Not as much indirect. I was “married to the band” for so long. The band was the cause. And everything I did, learned, etc. was directly related to the band. I learned to solder because of the band. Even music learning was related to the band. It wasn’t really about learning the bass. It was about the band, not the bass. Otherwise, I would be a bass master right now. And believe me, I am not!
Everything I have done for the music people in my life has been about THEM. JK, BD, NS. All about them. The things I did for JK, recording, marketing, management, booking, video production. Sure, I loved them in and of themselves, but it was the cause that was driving it all.
Which brings me to the now. My struggle, it that, as you can probably figure out, is the lack of cause in my life. I can look at the picture of my kids and understand that my job… it’s a job and that’s all. The job has no cause tied directly to it. If I could get my thinking to see my family as the cause and that the job supports them, then perhaps I could more easily get up in the AM. But somehow, I see that as more indirect. Ok, so it’s not, but… This is where my mind goes to jelly. And that’s where I’m still working thru things.
But, it helps me make sense of why it’s hard for me to pick. I like to do it all and be the “jack”. As others would pick one of the trades and run with it, for me it’s not really about the trade, it’s about the cause. I could move to Nashville where there’ s a cause on every corner and 23 at every Starbucks. My history has shown that God brings me the causes and when I try to go look for them, it turns up empty (or I get thwarted in even trying to go look for them). And, at the end of the day, I have 4 causes at home who look to me beyond the mystery “other” cause I am searching/longing for. If it weren’t for the ever present hand of God in my life, I’d be mad right now.
