There are countless stories in Christian history of people following after God, able and willing to go where He leads, only to find themselves stuck in a place far from where they see themselves. Most likely the most famous of these is Joseph. I’m at a place where I should study his world a bit deeper to try to find some explanation in my own. I don’t have a coat of many colors, but I do have several coats in different colors. I don’t have 10 older brothers, I have only one older brother. My father isn’t a farmer/rancher/sheep wrangler, though, he did grow up on a farm and he did raise pigs for a while. My brother hasn’t sold me into slavery, though, I am in a pit.
I’ve spent much of my life helping others (mostly people in the arts) build their dreams. It’s one of the things I feel I do best. During the course of those experiences, I have often been met with “push back: from others. I was told that “you have to be first or you have to be the best” when talking to a friend about JK. she wasn’t the first and he thought she wasn’t the best. I thought otherwise. And I was right. But, that left me with debt, shattered dreams and abandonment. I went on to work with OTB. Another friend remarked that I was “pissing my life away”. He was wrong. But, that left me with debt, shattered dreams and abandonment. I started working with a friend on their musical career. Things going well. Making plans for the future. But, then they call it off (with me) due to advice given to him that dissuaded him against me. He was (probably) wrong. But, that left me with debt, shattered dreams and abandonment.
Other opportunities have also come my way and left me with similar feelings. An opportunity was presented to “do my thing” with college students which I was quite excited about. That went nowhere until now, when I am not even remotely considered for their new program. I uprooted my family to Wichita to get a “new start” due to several extenuating circumstances. The opportunity presented seemed perfect. Help a small growing business grow even further. I get exiled twice, being told I was being “rescued”, and ultimately all it does is demean and demoralize me. It’s left me with debt, shattered dreams and abandonment.
There’s the old adage, “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know”. Neither are working for me right now. And I have no sense that either will work for me in the future.
Much of this comes down to decisions. I come from a family that struggles with decision making. So, we/I sometimes make lack of a decision, a decision. So, if MAKING a decision leads nowhere and NOT making a decision leads to nowhere, where do I go form here?
So, As I was told today, I am stuck. At this point, I sit by and watch others discover and develop their dreams, while I get ready to install insulation in a metal shop. Perhaps the cup bearer will remember me. Or, perhaps, there is no cup bearer at all.
