One my biggest/hardest hurdles vs. closed doors thing comes with the FH thing, namely, OTB. Tonight we had a meeting to begin “closing out the books” on our professional relationship. I was dreading the meeting and had already postponed it in order to “get ready” for it. Unfortunately, I failed to be properly ready anyway. We moved on as we could.
I was reminded of the aforementioned “band days”. I was completely committed to the progress of the band. Probably to a fault. I had been accused of being “married to the band” and I was. However, when my “driving spirit” started to wane, it spelled the eventual end of the band. I’ve been accused of breaking up the band. Yeah, that’s partly true. It was time. But, my drive, or lack thereof, directly affected the rest of the members.
So, here I sit again. My drive has waned. In many ways, I just want it to all be over. And I look upon the faces of OTB. They have weathered many storms. They have had several past professional relationships that are no longer active. And here I am becoming one of them.
I like to “make beauty from chaos”. I’ve done what I can and I feel it’s time to move on. However, there is some chaos within the OTB ranks, some due to my involvement or, better put, my lost drive. I wish I could get that drive back. I have prayed, no pleaded to God to show me if it’s a hurdle or a closed door. Not very clear. So far, I’ve definitely leaned towards and all indicators go the direction of moving on without that relationship. Maybe I need to step out of the way so they can truly blossom, perhaps in the midst of trials. Or maybe God is calling me to overcome the hurdle.
I pray that His will be evident in my life, in such a way that He can truly receive all the glory.
