Maybe I’ll start this with an answer rather than a question. Maybe it’s about having that “call” which makes the difference…
I’m a little confused. At what point do struggles present as hurdles that God is calling me to overcome and at what point are they closed doors?
I often write here in general terms; perhaps to protect the innocent; perhaps to keep myself from being too vulnerable. But, for this, it’s best to come right out and document the reality.
I’m currently unemployed. Not something that’s completely new to me. Something that actually brings a bit of excitement to my world. In a world of being adaptable, change is not only ok, it’s actually inviting.
However, that doesn’t mean life is “rosy”. My current most dreaded question, “so, what do you want to do?” Excuse the language… hell if I know. There are things I like. Things I really like. I’ve tried, done and even been successful at some of those things. And yet I feel like it’s time to “move on” to some degree.
I’ve been faced with all sorts of hurdles in the whole funkhouse thing. I may not get too specific in order to protect the innocent (and to protect the guilty, perhaps me!). It’s generally been an on and of thing, but something that’s been a part of me for the past 16 years. I guess I lump all the audio/video creation/production/management thing into that FH lap. So I wonder, are these “issues” things I need to deal with or are they indicators that I need to move on? Without a bevy of artists to manage, in a place where I have tried, perhaps not as hard as I could have, but tried, I’m left with little to hang my hat on. And, it’s one of those things that tends to cost me more time and money than it makes me. I pray and feel confident that this part of my life will return to me, but, for the present, it’s over.
Am I just giving up?
So, what to do? Coming out of a similar situation a few years ago, I told myself that in the future, if ever I were in the same place, I’d pick up my hammer and go to work.
It’s been over 3 months and the hammer I have picked up has, as similar to the FH thing, cost me more than it has made me. That said, I am currently looking at enough paying jobs to keep me busy for 2-3 months. However, I’ve done the self-employed thing before. And it’s not exactly the easiest thing for me to keep a handle on.
Ok, so maybe that’s a hurdle to cross. God spoke to me about at least giving it a try. Ok Lord, I (think I) am listening.
Another hurdle? I enjoy “swinging the hammer” for people in terms of service opportunities. One recent (semi) paying gig left me thinking I love doing it when it’s truly helping people. But, when it’s “just” a gig, it just doesn’t have the same pizzazz. Then I catch myself in the whole “feeling” game. Shouldn’t the “helping” in this case be providing an income for the family? Where did my sense of responsibility go?
I need to work in the garage. I pick up the hammer this weekend. It took me several hours to just install one board on the ceiling for a new staircase. So, the placement of that board determines everything else. Pretty important I’d say. But, if this were a “paying” gig, how impressed would the customer feel walking into their garage 5+ hours after I started to find one board in place? Is this a hurdle or a closed door? As I stare down the possibility of doing a complete basement remodel, is it something I should tackle?
I’m not just looking for pats on the back saying “you can do it”, it seems to be one of those real tipping points in life. I started a painting job 20 years ago that I never fulfilled. I failed badly. Long list of excuses available upon request. However, I don’t want to be in that place again. I was once given advice to just “take steps” in a direction. Should that direction not be in the direction God would have me go, He would/will gently move me in the correct direction. Good advice. Maybe that does point to the hammer things. However, in a place where we’ve tried that before, perhaps a more prudent direction would be a “real job”.
So, what to do with God’s urgings?
I’ve contemplated and now written. Not sure it led me to any place different. But, processing is good.
