So, perhaps you were waiting with baited breath for my blog post today…
I tend to hate “first days”. Which is a bit odd, as I tend to like change (or at least that’s what I think). I suppose it’s my “glass half empty” attitude, but, first days are more about what didn’t happen rather than what IS happening. And as first days are typically less involved, I tend to be quite reflective of where I am. Combine all that with having first days at places that aren’t what I “really” want to do and without a clear future… well, you get my first day issue.
I have rarely been REALLY excited about starting a new job. Today, in particular, is about failure (as previously posted). It’s not that I fail as a small business owner or a tradesman or whatever. My failure is in allowing distractions to draw me away from what I SHOULD be doing. Deana tells me she hates the whole self-employed thing because of the taxes and bookkeeping. She partly correct, but, overall, the issue is/was about avoiding distractions. I think I could have done pretty well had I been able to solve that. But, every time I am on my own, it’s the same thing.
And yes, I always justify my actions. I am human and humans tend to justify their actions. And, some are even good justifications. But, I never found a way, a path through the mire, to a place of focus. Even in this I can find justifications (faults perhaps?!), but, ultimately it lies with me.
So, I spent the day thinking about the “if only…” in my life:
If only I forced myself to find that focus
If only I found a partner to help me through that
If only I stayed in school
If only I decided to “go for it” in the audio world
If only I spent time looking for a job
If only we had won the lottery
If only we had never left Olathe
If only we had never left Wichita
If only I could figure out what I really want to do
If only I could find focus, in spite of not figuring out what I really want to do
If only…
This “first day” came and ended. It was pretty easy. And overall, I can see how it can/will provide for us. No being overwhelmed by what I perceive clients are thinking about me. No self-employment taxes. Regular work day. Regular paycheck. I can also see what it is. Not very challenging. Not a learning experience. Not terribly rewarding except in people pleasing and crossing things off a list.
That said, my STRATEGIC can see a career path. It may start at the low end, but, there is a place to head. Not sure I’ll stick with it that long. Do I ever see myself as a “builder”? Not really, but for now, I work for one.
