… that I need to “take the bull by the horns” by myself. The hard part for me is that I am very self-evident in my need/longing or dare I say it, my dependencies on the combined effort. I.E., i work best when on a team.
So, certainly I should just “find a job” and the team will find me! And, that is most likely the end result of my current journey. I have no idea where to start looking. Most often, the “start looking” comes looking for me. And, it’s becoming clear that that “taking the bull” part is dependent on my looking, not on it finding me. Which involves choice. And, choosing isn’t, as Wallace would say, “my spe-ci-al-li-ty”. And, perhaps, that’s just exactly where the “taking” comes into place. Time to put my big boy pants on?
I’ve been thwarted. Kicked in the balls. Encouraged, then discouraged. Have hope and then feel despair. Found a plan only to have it knocked off kilter.
And now I feel it all comes down to one person. This isn’t a case of riding the coattails. I doubt someone will come up to me and make the offer of a lifetime. I won’t find “support” in the usual channels. I will continue to be told I’m “pissing my life away”. I will feel overwhelmed. And see little light at the end. I will continue to pursue that which is in front of me despite the lack of peace in doing so. I will sigh heavily. And again. And again. This won’t be easy.
One part of becoming more and more evident is my need to rely on God. Yes, I know that sounds trite. And “easy” And the Sunday School answer. And it’s right. My spirit has been largely crushed. And I’ve sat by and let it get crushed. And allowed the “crushing” to crush the Spirit.
It’s time to breakout.
