One of the major themes of my life has always been “choosing is hard”. Looking back (as I’m fond of doing from time-to-time) I can easily point out times where if I had only CHOSEN, life would had been SO much easier. So much….
You would think as a 50+year old, I would take those “lessons” to heart and make different choices (or ANY choice for that matter!) later in life. But, alas I hold on. I hold on to the hope that some day I can do audio/music related things as a vocation. However, the REALITY is that I had that glimmer of opportunity 20 years ago. As Barry would say “success is harder to deal with than failure” so, I failed to grab that bull and run with it. And though opportunities have developed since then, nothing has developed and I certainly don’t have the personal framework at this point to “go for it” (as “they” would say).
So, the reailty is that I have a nice orange studio/office from which I make my customer service calls and shop on Amazon. My time is taken up by things I choose or are chosen for me and none of those includes going upstairs to be creative with music. I have sold some gear out of necessity of needing funds and having no current or immediate future use for such items. Perhaps, the more I would do that, the more I would feel free from the personal desire to do that again in the future. The choice would be made.
Honestly, I see more of a need/future for video work anyway in the near future…
I would like to go back to school. I love learning. And, though one would think I would be reading a lot and watching YouTube videos to learn random crap, my spirit doesn’t work that way. My desire to learn is superseded by the need to have a PURPOSE for that learning. If there’s a specific thing I need to learn for a specific purpose, then, I am down with that. I’ve never been able to learn for sake of learning. So, school make sense as it’s learning for the sake of SCHOOL, for the GRADE. Even if the final goal is a bit uncertain. I loved the 2 days I was “back” in school a couple of years ago. However, at this point, school makes no sense. The reality is that there are few things that make pragmatic sense for going back to school. So, the reality is that school is for the young and driven. Maybe when I’m 72, retired and bored, I can take that basketweaving class I always wanted to take…
I could go on, but, perhaps that’s pointless. The reality is that there IS a reality. The sooner I see that…
Ugh.
